Heartbeat

I've been waiting for weeks to write this post. I was planning to post a picture of a positive pregnancy test and annouce that we were expecting our third baby. Instead I'll be writing a story of heartbreak, sadness, and unanswered questions.

We found out in January that we were expecting our third baby, due in September. We were very excited, we told the kids and our families pretty early since I knew I would have to quit daycare due to the fact that I would probably start feeling sick very soon, as I usually do. The sickness started just as I thought it would. I always take it as a good sign, indicating that the pregnancy is moving along as it should.

I went to University Hospitals yesterday for my first prenatal appointment. I had no reason to think anything would be wrong, I was feeling sick, my belly was getting bigger, everything seemed just the same as my other two pregnancies which resulted in two very healthy babies.

The nurse took me through all of the initial paperwork, height, weight, blood pressure, urine sample, etc. Then I would see the doctor, have my exam, get some blood work done, and hopefully hear the babies heartbeat.

The doctor tried listening for the heartbeat, he searched for a while and couldn't hear it, but he said it's not unusual, it's still early. At the point I wasn't concerned (although I should have been because, now that I think about it, we've always been able to hear the heartbeat by 11 weeks). He brought the portable ultrasound machine in the room to check that way. He told me that wasn't a very good machine and he would send me to get an ultrasound by the ultrasound tech. I asked him if it was time to panic. He said "no," but I did anyway.

They got me into ultrasound right away, I watched the screen, looking at the perfectly formed baby, watching for some sign of life. Nothing. I was sobbing by this point. The tech just said, "I'm so sorry." She didn't have to tell me, I already knew.

I went in and talked to the doctor about what to expect now. I traded in my shiny new "pregnancy" packet for a "grief" packet and left the hospital in a fog, making a mental list of all the people we had told about the baby and all of the people we would have to tell that there is no more baby. The thought of telling the kids broke my heart the most.

I called Kirby and let him know. I was actually glad that I went to the appointment alone so I could have a little bit of time to process what was happening. We told the kids this morning, Clae was upset, I don't think Lydia really understood.

Other than being very sad and having so many unanswered questions God has given me a peace with what has happened. I know there is a reason for it that I may never know, but God knows and that's what matters. I think about the many blessings I already have in my life, my two healthy and beautiful children, and all I can do now is move forward and be the best mom I can be to those two precious little things, continue to praise God in the midst of this trial and know that Jesus has never once left me alone and He never will.